Why do i get stuck with them?

It appears my life is just a bunch of "Why?"s.

I hate that I get stuck with a social circle I don't care for, merely because we're all rejects.
In high school it wasnt nearly so bad, because we had quite a circle of rejects, and some became good freinds. But none stayed for life, for we really had nothing in common aside for being losers.

In seminary, I was roomed with a girl that just bugged me. Cant tell you why, she just did.

And there was this other girl that liked me but was really immature. She acted in ways that I did in the past, being all clingy and hyper and making funny squeaky voices and talking when no one was interested in what she had to say, and being around her gave me the willies, as i felt neb by association. So I tried to steer clear of her, because I didnt want to be linked to "THE NERD".
Maybe I was getting paid back, or maybe I was getting reminded that I'm still also "THE NERD" when they paired us up one too many times for school events.
I didnt like her, but I kept on being stuck with her.

And now there's this neighbor of mine who really doesn't have any friends. She wants so desperately to be my friend, constantly making friendly overtures to me, but i'm just not interested. And I don't think she's gotten that, because I am freindly in return, at least superficially.
The reason I don't want to be her friend is that we've got almost NOTHING in common. We are at much different places religiously, come from very different backgrounds, have very different outlooks on life, and have very different interests (I think).
She is a closed book. I've tried to open it, but it seems superglued shut.
She never talks. Freindship is about mutuality. Both people offer tidbits of information, sharing a little more and a little more, building trust. She doesnt talk about anything. After two years of freindship and i still know almost nil about her and her interests.
I am at a loss for how to proceed. Each time we get together, the conversation goes something like this.
"Hi"
"Hi."
"So how've you been?"
"Pretty good, baruch hashem. You?"
"Baruch hashem."
"What have you been up to lately?"
"Not much. You?"
"Not much."
"So what did you make for supper last night?"
"___, you?"
"____. What are you making for supper tonight?"
"____"
"Sounds cool, I'll need to get a recipe some time."
[Awkward silence.]
"So...."
[Repeat awkward silence.]

Now you get why I don't enjoy getting together, and why I push off get togethers with her?

My husband doesnt understand why I keep on complaining about my lack of freinds when i have someone very willing and eager to be my freind.
Its not about that. I want a freind i can bond with. Be close with. Talk about things that matter with.

Not just someone to label "freind" because she's there.

She hates me

She hates me.
Or rather, just finds me annoying.
The curse. Of being seen as an annoying leper. Of not knowing what specifically it is about you that gets under someone's skin. But just knowing that you do, and not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to distance yourself from that person, because she's family.
Because she's my husband's sister.
She told my husband straight out that she doesnt like me. She finds me annoying. And because of that, she feels her relationship with my husband is suffering.

Why? Because she wants to be able to spend time with him, but left unsaid was that she didnt want me there, so she had to miss out on a relationship with her brother.

I feel like i'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
I've constantly lectured step mothers that their husband's relationship with his kids should not concern her, that if they want a relationship with just him and not her, she should not begrudge them of that, for he is their father and its more important for them to have a step-mom less relationship with their dad than no relationship at all.

Yet, thats exactly where i'm headed to.
If sis in law doesnt want a relationship with me because she finds me annoying, then she can just get a life and not have a relationship with my husband. He and I are one; she can't request that I leave and let the two of them have their own little tete-a-tete. I find it highly offensive.
She is a very difficult person; no one will contest that.
I'm starting to really dislike her.
She likes to call my husband late at night, and often. And they talk for hours. She gets so ticked off if i want to participate in the conversation at all, like if i ask what they are talking about, or if i share anything to their conversation.
But thats really not fair to ask of me. I see so little of my husband anyhow, that when he's spending hours on the phone with her instead of with me, i feel like i should be able to participate. I mean, after all, she's intruding on my hubby time.
And even when she calls while he's at work, it bothers me as i think she's not being fair and is making inappropriate requests from him. Like telling him secrets and telling him to keep it a secret from me as well.
That is wrong.
It is very wrong to tell someone to keep a secret from their husband. Or their wife. There should not be secrets between spouses unless specified by a rav for the benefit of the marriage.
I get so mad at her.
I really want my husband to have nothing to do with her.

But at the same time, I get really jealous of my other sister in law's close relationship with her. We're both wives of the brothers; why do they have a close relationship and I don't? I want a close relationship with my sister in law as well. I'm jealous. She's family. If she's here to stay, I want a good relationship with her.

But she told my husband "I don't like your wife. I find her annoying."
And now I started really disliking her and want her cut out.
I'm really torn. I don't want to be like those evil step moms. But I feel that this is different, this is a sibling, not a child. And this time, I'm the one involved.
I don't know what to do.

Why did I even try?

Sometimes I feel like I'm a serpent digging my fangs into my own tail. Digging my own grave. And other morbid thoughts like that. Why I get so morbid when it comes to freindships is beyond me, but what can I say? Its important to me.
And its childish. I know. Thats why i titled this blog "Childish Musings" so that way I can be childish without anyone telling me "Hey, you're being immature!" Yea. Whatever.

So back to my sinking my fangs into my own tail, I am very into making shidduchim between freinds.
When I moved here, I know how hard it was for me to meet people, let alone make good freinds. But thank God, it pretty much fell into place within a years time. But because it was such a long and arduous process, I want to make sure that it doesnt happen to others.
I brought a freind to live in my community. She definitely is weird. Really weird at times. And different ethnically than the rest of our crowd. But I like her regardless.
I wanted to make sure that she'd have any easy time getting accepted here. I made it my business to introduce her to my gang, ensuring that she'd have a social life here.

And now i'm regretting it, almost.
Not regretting the mitzva that I did- in fact I realize what a mitzva it is, and how much my method worked.
But saddened by the repercussions of my actions.
I have a hard enough time making friends.
I made freinds here.
And now they seem to forget I exist and are only interested in "the new girl" (NG). My "best friend"(BF) beforehand barely sees me; she's always busy with the new gal. I feel like they became best freinds and now they have no need for me.
Last night was a case in point. A different freind (DF) invited both NG and BF for the friday night meal. I was going for a walk with NG and my other friend (OF) said something to the tune of "Oh, i'm sure you'll have a really great time. She worked really hard on the desert" not knowing that I wasnt invited. I even saw DF while walking with NG and she said nothing to me about inviting me for desert. Then BF tells me i should stop by for desert. I didn't. I was too depressed friday night about being left out, and didnt want to butt in where I wasnt wanted, didnt want to be a party crasher when I was uninvited. And then I find out that OF was also there friday night.
I feel really left out.
I feel that if I hadnt made sure to introduce NG to them, they'd have time for me and be interested in my company. Like I'm the cause of my own misery.

Maybe I am in a different sense. Maybe it is because I've been lazy socially that they think snubbing them. But the reason i'm lazy socially is because i dont want to appear to be too needy and desparate for friends, as that has cost me friends in the past. And maybe because I'd rather take responsibility, say "I dont have freinds because I chose not to, and not because they didn't want me."

Or maybe its my husband's fault partially. He is shy and doesn't enjoy socializing. Perhaps they sense this about him and would rather invite a couple in which the husband also socializes. Maybe my chronically wallflower husband is the reason i've become a wallflower by association. Or maybe we're each just wallflowers and thats why we married each other?

Life is all a game of maybes. Too bad you don't get answers and find out the real reason why. Maybe the real answer would make us too depressed.
Maybe.
Maybe.

Maybe not.

Welcome. and faux pas

Best to jump right into things.

I am so akward socially. I mean, not really. Not as bad as my siblings. Definitely not as bad as my Dad. And surely not as bad as I was growing up.
I have friends now. But there are some things that I still haven't left in my socially defunct past.
I keep on thinking i've finally gotten it down pat. I now know the secret of socialization, self taught between all the years of humiliation and loneliness.
And then the sorry truth hits.
I'm really a failure socially.

I hate when i'm in the middle of an enjoyable outing with friends and then all of a sudden i do something that makes me do a double take. Uh oh. Why am I doing this? This is really awkward. I must stop. Only i'm too embroiled in the situation to untangle myself gracefully. So I continue with my faux pas, getting more and more red from embarrassment by the moment, unsure of how to remedy the situation. And then I go home and eat myself up for it.
Why did you do that? You're a failure socially. You're never gonna learn. You're always gonna be the one that the world looks at and says "Oh her? She thinks she's accepted but she's really the nebach. I'm only her friend out of rachmanus."
But its really not fair. Its like sticking me in a calculus class without having ever been taught simple arithmetic. I'm floundering. I was never taught socialization skills. My family is socially dead. Not even defunct. They are at an even lower level. And whatever skills I've picked up is only by trial and error. Which gets me this: freinds that will accept me, at least to my face. But once i'm gone, i can be sure that they're speaking ill of me to each other. I'm just sure of it.

Only my husband sort of understands where I'm coming from. He sees my family and how they dont even have any idea what freind means, let alone have the skills to make them. He sees how unlike them I am. Only that doesnt help me make freinds.
I feel hopeless.
My husband says I'm just better off not even wanting freinds. I hope not.